your heart's a mess
-insert descriptive statement here- I like lazy Sunday mornings, cartoons in bed, old libraries, and impromptu coffee dates.
-insert descriptive statement here- I like lazy Sunday mornings, cartoons in bed, old libraries, and impromptu coffee dates.
- Sylvia Plath (via loveyourchaos)
(Source: allmymetaphors)
My head isn’t being very nice to me today.
Fat/worthless/obese/disappointment/need control/stop eating/be thin/disgusting/hateyouhateyouhateyou.
It taunts me over and over and it’s so hard to get these thoughts out of my head, despite the fact that I so badly want to get better even if it does mean that I’ll look like this (or bigger) forever. There’s some part of me (it?) that just creeps back in and whispers and just won’t leave me alone. It says that exercise + restriction will make me happy. I know that that’s not true but I feel like I need it; like I deserve it and that I am not worthy of happiness without sacrificing my health.
And it’s times like these that I just want re-assurance (am I fat?), but I’m too afraid to ask the question outrightly in fear that I’ll come across as vain and simple-minded. Just like every other girl/woman that wants to lose weight.
Only I struggle to discern whether I feel compelled to cry tears of regret, or tears of lust.
I really need to stop looking at my old heavily eating-disordered blog.
Though I may never be satisfied with my body, I refuse to neglect it the way I did. Starvation is not the answer to happiness nor will it help to build self esteem. Your body is a temple, treat it well and appreciate it.
(Source: freedom-within-me)
communismkillsitonthedancefloor:
Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.
I haven’t written anything on this blog in a while. Mostly because I’ve been trying to fill my life with things non-ed related, but I don’t know, I feel like writing.
I feel like I’m at a turning point, and that scares me. I’ve never been this open with people about my personal struggles before, and I’ve never been this motivated to get better. At the same time, my thoughts are still constantly drifting back to how much easier it is to cut/purge/exercise/restrict. My fitness level is just non-existant because I haven’t been exercising at all. It makes me feel so fat and lazy.
But, I was sitting on the bus today and it reminded me of a time early last year. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was going to my aunties house. I remember freaking out because I couldn’t bear the thought of having to eat anything there. I’m so glad I’m not there anymore. I’m so thankful that I actually can eat. That I don’t spend every waking moment starving.
This illness is so perplexing. Mostly because it makes no sense. I know rationally (and always have known rationally) that humans need food to eat. Yet, I still get caught up in the obsession of weight loss and restriction, of binging and purging. Other’s tell me that I’m not overweight, yet I see myself as huge. I know one thing, but my brain tells me something else.
And then I just feel sad, because I’ve let this have control over me for way too long.
I do not possess the mental capacity to achieve all that I want to achieve.
thatqueergirlandhersunflowers:
I can put it off and avoid it and pretend I’m okay.
But it’s all back now.
This.
(Source: sylvies-swamp)
