Sometimes I feel so stupid and dull and uncreative that I am amazed when people...– Sylvia Plath (via loveyourchaos)
My head isn’t being very nice to me today. Fat/worthless/obese/disappointment/need control/stop eating/be thin/disgusting/hateyouhateyouhateyou. It taunts me over and over and it’s so hard to get these thoughts out of my head, despite the fact that I so badly want to get better even if it does mean that I’ll look like this (or bigger) forever. There’s some part of me...
I feel like crying.
Only I struggle to discern whether I feel compelled to cry tears of regret, or tears of lust. I really need to stop looking at my old heavily eating-disordered blog.
burnt-wick: Though I may never be satisfied with my body, I refuse to neglect it the way I did. Starvation is not the answer to happiness nor will it help to build self esteem. Your body is a temple, treat it well and appreciate it.
[[MORE]]I also hate the fact that I’m getting better, and I hate the fact that I actually want to get better. I hate the fact that I can’t just revert to self-destructive coping mechanisms in order to numb/deal with anxiety and pain without feeling like I’ve let myself down. I hate the fact that I actually want to live life. I hate the fact that I’m scared to indulge in...
[[MORE]]I am a horrible fucking piece of shit waste of space person. I have no purpose, I can’t do anything right, and I have no right to live on this planet. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I’m saying all of these things. I just don’t know why I even bother. It’s all so fake.
communismkillsitonthedancefloor: Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.
I think I need hugs.
I haven’t written anything on this blog in a while. Mostly because I’ve been trying to fill my life with things non-ed related, but I don’t know, I feel like writing. I feel like I’m at a turning point, and that scares me. I’ve never been this open with people about my personal struggles before, and I’ve never been this motivated to get better. At the same...
I do not think I can do this anymore.
I do not possess the mental capacity to achieve all that I want to achieve.
[[MORE]]Just the thought of what I’m having for dinner tonight makes me feel like puking. : / IcandothisIcandothisIcandothis.
[[MORE]]I never want to weigh more than 47 kilos again. Ever. Unhealthy thought!
Today, I saw my psychologist/dietitian/whathaveyou (not sure what to call her because she has that many qualifications. Seriously, a whole wall covered in them.) and I am pleased to report it went rather well. I think I just might have found a mental health professional that I can really connect with. She’s very lovely, and she seems to actually understand the mental processes of an eating...
Sometimes, I miss control and all that comes along with it: the satisfaction, the bones, the numbness, the chills, the complete sense of denial. But then, I come to my senses and say ‘SCREW YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT E.D! You ruin my life and I have no need for you!’ and then I go along my merry way. ~
I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the words that will haunt...– Taylor Swift (via catchingelephants)
The key part of eating healthy is eating.– (via gainingsoul)
Rather enjoying the taylor swift binge I’ve been partaking in the past few days. Oh god. I really do worry that it’s abnormal for someone of my age to be this obsessed with a singer who sings about ‘fighting dragons with you’ and someone being ‘mean and a liar and pathetic’ but I must admit I really do resonate with her lyrics and just her personality in general...
peanutbutterpretzels replied to your post: I look in the mirror and it’s all still there:… my BMI is like 45 I am most certainly sure that your BMI is not 45. You look lovely! and pretty damn sexy (shhhh). :)
I look in the mirror and it’s all still there: back bones, spine, ribs, hib bones. All still there, at a BMI of 19. Of course, considerably less defined, but there nonetheless. It is in these moments that I come to realise how engulfed in this I truly am.
Ok so I kind of just don't want to be a human...
Mostly because I’m allowing myself to engage in ‘fat’ thoughts that seem to infiltrate every moment of my waking consciousness. Although I use the term ‘allowing myself’ lightly because to say that I am allowing myself to think these thoughts would be to imply that I have control over them, which I do not.
The new psychologist/dietitian (yes, she’s both) I’m going to see has sent me six questionnaires to complete before I have my first appointment with her. SIX. It’s nice to know that she’s thorough and all but I had a look at the questionnaires last night and I was a having a considerable amount of difficulty accessing whether my pre-occupation with rules and...
waste-it-dreaming: A writer for the new york times interviewed a series of people who had survived jumping off the golden gate bridge. Every person she interviewed admitted that about two thirds of the way down, they realized that every seemingly meaningless problem that caused them to jump was fixable. Every single one.
I just can't find the words.
I don’t know what I am. I am itching arms, callused hands, sighted numbers, a pounding heart, sleepless nights, an empty stomach, rigid rules, full of distortions, unjustified beliefs, “not worthy”. I am all those things and one life too many. But I am so much more than that.
Dumbledore: Welcome back to another year of Hogwarts!
Dumbledore: I actually don't know why your parents still send you here
Dumbledore: There's like a 30% chance you'll die tragically
Dumbledore: And it just goes up every year
Dumbledore: I guess that just means all your parents hate you
Dumbledore: Great let's have some pumpkin juice
Fucking sick of being stuck in this.
”If you want something you’ve never had, you must be willing to do something...– Dr. Marler (via holdme-closer-tiny-dancer)
Dinner = complete.
It wasn’t anything particularly challenging but I think the mere fact that I ate dinner was a bit of an achievement seeing as the past few days haven’t gone so well at all, so I’m trying to be excited. HELL YEAH, I ate dinner. I ate a balanced and healthy dinner that will nourish both my body and my mind, and I am NOT a bad person for doing so! In fact, I am STRONG and WONDERFUL...
There’s some bikini body challenge being advertised on Facebook and I keep seeing before and after photos of girls who have undertaken the challenge who look so much thinner than me in the before photo, let alone in the after photo. Grrr.