I think I need hugs.

I haven’t written anything on this blog in a while. Mostly because I’ve been trying to fill my life with things non-ed related, but I don’t know, I feel like writing. 

I feel like I’m at a turning point, and that scares me. I’ve never been this open with people about my personal struggles before, and I’ve never been this motivated to get better. At the same time, my thoughts are still constantly drifting back to how much easier it is to cut/purge/exercise/restrict. My fitness level is just non-existant because I haven’t been exercising at all. It makes me feel so fat and lazy. 

But, I was sitting on the bus today and it reminded me of a time early last year. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was going to my aunties house. I remember freaking out because I couldn’t bear the thought of having to eat anything there. I’m so glad I’m not there anymore. I’m so thankful that I actually can eat. That I don’t spend every waking moment starving. 

This illness is so perplexing. Mostly because it makes no sense. I know rationally (and always have known rationally) that humans need food to eat. Yet, I still get caught up in the obsession of weight loss and restriction, of binging and purging. Other’s tell me that I’m not overweight, yet I see myself as huge. I know one thing, but my brain tells me something else. 

And then I just feel sad, because I’ve let this have control over me for way too long.