your heart's a mess

"Sometimes I feel so stupid and dull and uncreative that I am amazed when people tell me differently."

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 23:52:13 +1000

“Sometimes I feel so stupid and dull and uncreative that I am amazed when people tell me differently.”

- Sylvia Plath (via loveyourchaos)

Help?

Fri, 14 Sep 2012 21:53:00 +1000

My head isn’t being very nice to me today.

Fat/worthless/obese/disappointment/need control/stop eating/be thin/disgusting/hateyouhateyouhateyou.

It taunts me over and over and it’s so hard to get these thoughts out of my head, despite the fact that I so badly want to get better even if it does mean that I’ll look like this (or bigger) forever. There’s some part of me (it?) that just creeps back in and whispers and just won’t leave me alone. It says that exercise + restriction will make me happy. I know that that’s not true but I feel like I need it; like I deserve it and that I am not worthy of happiness without sacrificing my health.

And it’s times like these that I just want re-assurance (am I fat?), but I’m too afraid to ask the question outrightly in fear that I’ll come across as vain and simple-minded. Just like every other girl/woman that wants to lose weight.

I feel like crying.

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 11:25:58 +1000

Only I struggle to discern whether I feel compelled to cry tears of regret, or tears of lust.

I really need to stop looking at my old heavily eating-disordered blog.

Photo

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 11:22:29 +1000

aquarie: depression

Mon, 10 Sep 2012 10:57:06 +1000

aquarie:

depression

burnt-wick: Though I may never be satisfied with my body, I refuse to neglect it the way I did....

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 17:17:44 +1000

burnt-wick:

Though I may never be satisfied with my body, I refuse to neglect it the way I did. Starvation is not the answer to happiness nor will it help to build self esteem. Your body is a temple, treat it well and appreciate it.

I also hate the fact that I’m getting better, and I hate the fact that I actually want to get...

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 17:16:44 +1000

I also hate the fact that I’m getting better, and I hate the fact that I actually want to get better. I hate the fact that I can’t just revert to self-destructive coping mechanisms in order to numb/deal with anxiety and pain without feeling like I’ve let myself down. I hate the fact that I actually want to live life. I hate the fact that I’m scared to indulge in those self-destructive coping mechanisms because the prospect of things going downhill scares the shit out of me like nothing else. I wish I was still obliviously unwell; a time when every self-destructive move I made was perceived as a positive in my mind. I hate the fact that my self-destructive habits have been lying to me all along.

Yeah, the last two posts have pretty much been one big woe-is-me word vomit. yay.

I am a horrible fucking piece of shit waste of space person. I have no purpose, I can’t do...

Sat, 01 Sep 2012 17:05:56 +1000

I am a horrible fucking piece of shit waste of space person. I have no purpose, I can’t do anything right, and I have no right to live on this planet. I hate myself, and I hate the fact that I’m saying all of these things. I just don’t know why I even bother. It’s all so fake.

communismkillsitonthedancefloor: Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture...

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 18:02:13 +1000

communismkillsitonthedancefloor:

Diet ideas: Eat whatever you want, and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight, eat them too.

I think I need hugs.

Wed, 22 Aug 2012 17:55:16 +1000

I haven’t written anything on this blog in a while. Mostly because I’ve been trying to fill my life with things non-ed related, but I don’t know, I feel like writing.

I feel like I’m at a turning point, and that scares me. I’ve never been this open with people about my personal struggles before, and I’ve never been this motivated to get better. At the same time, my thoughts are still constantly drifting back to how much easier it is to cut/purge/exercise/restrict. My fitness level is just non-existant because I haven’t been exercising at all. It makes me feel so fat and lazy.

But, I was sitting on the bus today and it reminded me of a time early last year. I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was going to my aunties house. I remember freaking out because I couldn’t bear the thought of having to eat anything there. I’m so glad I’m not there anymore. I’m so thankful that I actually can eat. That I don’t spend every waking moment starving.

This illness is so perplexing. Mostly because it makes no sense. I know rationally (and always have known rationally) that humans need food to eat. Yet, I still get caught up in the obsession of weight loss and restriction, of binging and purging. Other’s tell me that I’m not overweight, yet I see myself as huge. I know one thing, but my brain tells me something else.

And then I just feel sad, because I’ve let this have control over me for way too long.

I do not think I can do this anymore.

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 19:20:00 +1000

I do not possess the mental capacity to achieve all that I want to achieve.

hopeisrisingfromtheashes: Because my blog needed more fluffy...

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 19:03:14 +1000

hopeisrisingfromtheashes:

Because my blog needed more fluffy adorableness. :)

Just the thought of what I’m having for dinner tonight makes me feel like puking. :...

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 17:59:32 +1000

Just the thought of what I’m having for dinner tonight makes me feel like puking. : /

IcandothisIcandothisIcandothis.

thatqueergirlandhersunflowers: I can put it off and avoid it...

Mon, 06 Aug 2012 09:07:22 +1000

thatqueergirlandhersunflowers:

I can put it off and avoid it and pretend I’m okay.

But it’s all back now.

This.

I never want to weigh more than 47 kilos again. Ever. Unhealthy thought!

Sun, 05 Aug 2012 09:16:00 +1000

I never want to weigh more than 47 kilos again. Ever.

Unhealthy thought!

Mumblings.

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 22:19:00 +1000

Today, I saw my psychologist/dietitian/whathaveyou (not sure what to call her because she has that many qualifications. Seriously, a whole wall covered in them.) and I am pleased to report it went rather well. I think I just might have found a mental health professional that I can really connect with. She’s very lovely, and she seems to actually understand the mental processes of an eating disorder and also the health complications that can arise as a result.

I saw my doctor yesterday and she was rather rude about the fact that I wish to be a psychologist when I have mental health problems myself. She also told me I have postural hypotension and organised a bone-density scan for me. I’ve never actually had anyone treat me who is aware of medical risks (bar my doctor who isn’t the most clued-up when it comes to these things), so the new tests my psychologist is getting me to do worry me slightly. As much as there is a part of me that wants me to ruin myself, and that part often feels very satisfied when health problems come up, there is definitely a part of me that wants to be healthy, and the thought that I may be damaging my body long-term doesn’t sit well with me. Yet, at the same time, just knowing that my blood pressure isn’t too good and that I need to be weary of my chest pains makes me want to go even further. It’s funniest thing. It’s just like losing weight, you just want to lose more and more and I think I feel the same when it comes to health issues related to my ed. I don’t think I’m being very clear. What I’m trying to say, is that the just the knowledge that my eating habits/weight are affecting my health seems to trigger eating disordered thoughts and I have to make an effort to recogise this.

Photo

Thu, 02 Aug 2012 10:34:31 +1000

Sometimes, I miss control and all that comes along with it: the satisfaction, the bones, the...

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 23:02:12 +1000

Sometimes, I miss control and all that comes along with it: the satisfaction, the bones, the numbness, the chills, the complete sense of denial.

But then, I come to my senses and say ‘SCREW YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT E.D! You ruin my life and I have no need for you!’

and then I go along my merry way. ~

Photo

Wed, 01 Aug 2012 22:57:12 +1000

"I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the words that will haunt you the most."

Tue, 31 Jul 2012 12:26:49 +1000

“I think the words you stop yourself from saying are the words that will haunt you the most.”

- Taylor Swift (via catchingelephants)